


Into the Woods

by blondsak



Series: Irondad Bingo Fics [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Mind Control??, No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, Peter Parker is a Disney Princess, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Is Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 23:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20554298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondsak/pseuds/blondsak
Summary: “Awww, you’re so sweet aren’t ya? Just a sweet little–gah!”Peter jumps back just as Tony races forward, eyes wide. In a split second the baby deer had gone from innocently sniffing Peter’s fingers to trying its best to tear them off, Peter only just moving his hand out of the way as the creature’s sharp incisors audibly crack. Tony grabs Peter’s bicep, this time holding on as he pulls the kid backward.“Kid, did Bambi just try tobiteyou?”Or: blondsak's bonkers irondad bingo crack-trope fic.





	Into the Woods

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I can safely say that no animals were harmed in the making of this fic. However, despite this being crack I should warn that Tony does get a little punt-happy with a certain adorable (albeit attacking) woodland creature. So if that’s something you would rather not read even in a funny context, please turn away now <3

“Did I tell you yet that I hate the woods?” Tony says, swatting a large fly out of his face. “Because I _really_ hate the woods.”

Peter rolls his eyes, wiping the hand not carrying his Spider-Man mask across his brow. “Pretty sure you said that about three minutes ago, Mister Stark. Oh, and three minutes before that, and three minutes before that, and–”

“You’re a little shit, have I told you _that_ yet?”

“Twice last week,” Peter says with a smirk as they trudge along. “But I don’t mind– Pepper says giving people nicknames is like, your top love language.”

Tony scoffs. “_Underoos _ is your nickname. _Squirt _ is your nickname. Little shit? That’s just me calling you out on your smart mouth, kid.”

“You do realize you just called me _three_ nicknames, right?”

Tony ignores him, opting instead to check his dead watch for the millionth time before looking up into the sky, squinting at the midday sun. “Where the hell are Nat and Clint?”

It was supposed to be a simple scouting mission. SHIELD had intel of a HYDRA base deep in the Yukon, and so the available Avengers had shipped out. Since the plan was merely to locate and scope out the facility, Tony had let Peter tag along, calling it an “educational field trip.”

They’d found the base without much issue– but unfortunately not undetected. As soon as Peter, Tony, and Steve landed on the ground from the quinjet, they’d been ambushed. Twenty HYDRA operatives swarmed them, one carrying a giant weapon on his shoulders that sent a blast wave across all three. Whatever the thing was, it had immediately disabled all their comms along with all the tech in their suits.

Nat and Clint had fled before the operative could aim the weapon into the sky, quinjet disappearing into the clouds as Steve fought off agents and Peter pried Tony out of his suit. 

“Go! I got this!” Steve yelled at them as he traded kicks and punches. 

“No way!” Peter had yelled right back, starting to run into the fray before Tony caught his arm.

“Cap can handle himself, Pete!”

Peter had shaken his head, ready to argue until Tony added, “I need to keep you safe.”

That had seemed to get through to the kid– or more likely, it was the realization that Tony was non-enhanced and therefore no match for a bunch of HYDRA agents without his Iron Man suit. Either way the two of them had raced off into the trees, the sounds of the fight quickly fading away.

Now here they were two hours later, trudging through the forest as Peter keeps an ear out for anything remotely human. After back-tracking twice in the hope of confusing their enemy, they were heading for high ground, thinking it might make it easier for Clint and Nat to find them. 

Yet even in the midst of the ongoing danger, all Tony can think are two things. First, he didn’t even know it could get so hot this far north– or perhaps that was just the sun and dehydration getting to him. And second, he _really _hates the woods.

He’s about to say as much yet again when Peter halts, throwing a hand up. The kid tilts his head, as though listening.

“Do you hear that?” he whispers to Tony, who quirks an eyebrow. Tony strains, but all he hears are the birds and– wait–

“I don’t hear _anything_,” Tony replies, and it’s true– the sounds of the birds and other woodland creatures had abruptly died down, leaving only an eerie silence in its wake.

Peter’s eyes narrow, brow furrowing. “Yeah, _that_, but also– there’s a weird ringing.”

Tony listens for a few more moments, but still hears nothing. “‘Fraid my hearing isn’t sensitive enough for whatever frequency you’re picking up, Pete. Is the pitch painful?”

Peter’s shakes his head, then continues walking on, Tony following along. “No, but– it just sounds _weird_. I’ve never heard anything like– oh, wow.”

The kid pauses again, and Tony frowns before glancing around Peter to see what had taken the kid’s interest. 

A baby caribou - or maybe elk or deer, wildlife was not Tony’s expertise - stands ten or so feet ahead of them, looking just as surprised to see them as they were to see it. 

The three sit frozen in a staring match for a few seconds before the baby starts to slowly amble over, long legs stumbling in the grass.

Peter gives a small coo and begins to move forward, but Tony quickly grabs his arm. “Kid, we don’t know what kind of diseases that thing has–”

“But Mister Stark, _look_ at him. He’s so cute!” Peter turns back to the baby. “You’re not gonna hurt me, right little guy?”

With a huff Tony lets him go, Peter immediately starting to tentatively walk toward the tiny creature, who is now practically jogging over to Peter in its curious haste.

Tony watches incredulously as the two meet, the baby immediately sniffing at Peter’s knees and thighs. Peter reaches out and puts a hand on its head, petting it gently. 

“Jeez kid, I know I joke that nobody can resist you, but even I never would have guessed you were a goddamn Disney princess.”

“He’s so _soft_, Mister Stark!”

Peter continues stroking the creature as it raises its head, sniffing at his arms and then moving onto his fingers.

“Awww, you’re so sweet aren’t ya? Just a sweet little– _gah!_”

Peter jumps back just as Tony races forward, eyes wide. In a split second the baby had gone from innocently sniffing Peter’s fingers to trying its best to tear them off, Peter only just moving his hand out of the way as the creature’s sharp incisors audibly crack. Tony grabs Peter’s bicep, this time holding on as he pulls the kid backward.

“Did Bambi just try to _bite_ you?”

The baby continues to angrily snort at the two of them, flailing its front legs aggressively. 

“Let’s go, kid,” Tony says, still hanging onto the kid’s arm as he hauls him to she side– intending to go around the animal. “Damn thing probably has rabies. I knew I shouldn’t have let–”

“Mister Stark?”

Tony halts, the kid’s worried tone immediately throwing his Protective Dad instincts into high gear. He’s about to ask what’s wrong when he hears it himself.

The arrival of the baby had distracted them both from the eery silence that had descended before. But now instead of quiet, the forest was rapidly filling up with the sounds of tiny squeaks and frantic bird calls– followed shortly by loud roars and rampaging hooves.

The pair turns around just as a large horde of every manner of Canadian woodland creature - wolf, mouse, moose, fox, elk and more - emerges from between the trees, all aiming straight for the two superheroes.

_“Run!”_

Tony hauls Peter in the opposite direction, the two sprinting as fast as they can over the bumpy landscape in an effort to stay ahead of the herd.

“Is this normal?” Peter cries out, glancing back before looking at Tony with an expression that screams _oh fuck we gonna die._

“HYDRA must have figured out how to mind control the damn beasts!” Tony replies just as a bunny steps out in front of him, baring its tiny teeth. Tony doesn’t even slow down, aiming a kick that punts the raging creature into next week.

“Hey– don’t hurt them!”

“Kid, if it’s between me and a rabbit, Thumper is getting fuckin’ _thumped_,” Tony gasps out. Man, he really needs to be more diligent about his cardio after this, sheesh. “And don’t guilt trip me, I know for a fact you love Pep’s hasenpfeffer!”

A giant roar comes from their right just then and Tony glances over just long enough to see a swipe of claws inches from his face before–

_“Grizzly!”_ Peter cries, and Tony is suddenly weightless as the kid wraps an arm around him and webs up toward the nearest giant fir tree. Soon they’re flying through the air, the horde no longer catching up but also not getting any farther behind as Peter struggles to both discern a safe path through the thick branches and web one-handed.

Tony clings to him, craning his neck to keep an eye on the horde below until a piercing screech from above catches his attention.

“For the love of–”

An eagle swoops down at them, talons raised before Tony swipes at it. The giant bird backs off with a cry of rage.

“Mister Stark!”

Tony turns back to the kid only to see a squirrel is crawling on Peter’s head, scratching menacingly at his mask lenses. Tony grabs it around its middle and flings the rodent away where it goes flying with a long squeak. Tony watches Peter’s mask lenses widen now he can see again.

“Oh no… uh, Mister Stark?”

Tony twists his head forward. “Shit.”

The trees ahead are rapidly thinning out and it’s quickly obvious why– they’re coming up to a cliff edge. Tony can’t see how deep it is, but he calculates it’s at least a good 25 feet to the other side of the small canyon.

“Kid, you gotta–you have to put me down–”

“What? No way–”

“You gotta get to the other side and you can’t web that far with me as dead weight!”

“I’m not leaving you!”

Tony tries to squirm out of the kid’s hold but Peter’s too strong, clutching him tighter before webbing Tony’s arms to his side, trapping the man.

“What the fuck is this? Peter Benjamin, you are gonna be in _so_ much trouble!”

Peter aims for the last tree, the dirt floor of the forest below starting to fall away. “Hang on!”

Tony screams as they fly over the edge, soaring up high only to start falling far too soon. Peter must realize it too– quickly he shoots a web which wraps around a trunk on the other side. 

Yet Tony knows before he even does it that it’s futile– at this angle all Peter’s done is increase the likelihood of death via a high impact meet-and-greet with the cliff wall instead of the canyon bottom.

Tony closes his eyes and tucks his head into Peter’s shoulder, no longer able to watch as his impending doom swiftly descends. He can hear Peter still frantically throwing out webs but he’s too terrified to even speak– to let the kid know it’s a lost cause.

_I don’t wanna die, I’m not ready, I’m not– please, not Peter too– not my kid–_

They slam into the wall.

Tony lets out a shocked _oof_ as they bounce against it a few times before coming to a sudden, hanging stop. But where he’d expected broken bones and - if he was lucky - enough head trauma to pass out before he plummeted to his death, he’s met with only a soft, sticky cushion.

He opens his eyes only to see the results of the kid’s last-minute webs. “Holy shit, Pete.”

His kid - his _remarkable _kid - somehow had the presence of mind to create the equivalent of a jumbo sized air mattress out of webbing on the cliffside– a move which had saved them both from severe injury or even worse.

Tony lets out a disbelieving laugh, relief passing over him like a wave. “You’re a damn genius, underoos!”

Peter lets out a shaky sigh, clearly a bit overwhelmed. “Thanks, Mister Stark. I’m just glad that worked? ‘Cause wow, that was close… just, holy cow_._”

If Tony wasn’t already securely webbed to the kid’s side he’d give him a big hug, but as it is he just clings on all the tighter as Peter climbs until they’re up and over the edge.

As soon as they’re on solid ground again Peter tears away the webbing, Tony stumbling forward before catching himself, still shaky from the adrenaline flooding his veins.

He looks over the other side of the canyon, where the horde is still raging at them.

Tony throws up a middle finger.

“Mister Stark, I’m pretty sure they don’t know what that gesture means.”

“I don’t care if they’re stuffed plushies, kid– they’re Team HYDRA now. Which means they get the finger.”

Just then the quinjet pops out from around a large hill to their east, coming down to hover just above the ground. The hatch opens and Steve’s head pops out. “Heard you guys needed a lift.”

“Captain Rogers!” Peter greets, smiling. “I’m glad you’re okay– you _are_ okay right?”

“I’m fine, Pete,” Steve replies with a fond grin. “Took out the rest of that group just in time for Nat and Clint to return. We’ve been looking all over for– what the heck?”

Tony and Peter’s heads swivel in the direction of Cap’s gaze, to where the horde of rabid creatures still remains at the cliff edge, snarling and roaring away.

“Oh yeah, don’t mind them,” Tony says casually. “Just some pissed off HYDRA groupies.”

“You think it’ll wear off, Mister Stark?” Peter asks, eyes full of concern as he continues to gaze at the angry herd.

Tony has no clue if it’ll wear off. And yet, the kid looks so genuinely worried.

He puts an arm around Peter's shoulders. “Absolutely, underoos. I’m sure as soon as we’re gone they’ll be right back to trying to kill each other instead of us, the way nature intended. But for that to happen we have to get the hell out of here, which by the way I’m all for. I really, _really_ hate the damn woods.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments give me life <3 <3 <3


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